


Too Much

by Timetravelingravenclaw17



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Anorexia, Anxiety Attacks, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Comfort/Angst, Cutting, Depression, Drunkenness, F/F, Nightmares, Physical Abuse, Self-Harm, Sleeping Together, Sleepy Cuddles, semi-force feeding
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-26
Updated: 2016-08-09
Packaged: 2018-04-28 07:28:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 20,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5083093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Timetravelingravenclaw17/pseuds/Timetravelingravenclaw17
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Regina is in the midst of an anxiety attack and guess which blonde comes surprisingly to her aid </p><p>Severe Mental health issues fic, Pleeeease read the tags first they're your trigger warnings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First anxiety attack

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on tumblr username:  
> timetravelingravenclaw17

My hands started shaking, my breath began to heave, and before I knew it I was sobbing uncontrollably on my office couch. I felt my arms tighten and suffocate around my pillow until I got angry and chucked it hard at the nearest wall. My fingers began tugging and pulling at my hair, I started to violently scratch at my arms, _no no no no not now, not this, not again._

It could tell this would be one of my worse anxiety attacks. A couple of years ago I would have I thought I was done with them. The attacks started steadily going away since Henry came into my life, but gradually began to make their appearance once more when that blonde came into town and broke my curse.

God damn it! Look at me, I'm here my knees are tucked tightly into my chest, I am ferociously rocking myself back and forth on my couch trying and failing miserably to comfort myself wishing for nothing but my long passed father to come and soothe me like he did back when I was The Evil Queen. My body shivered, the simple thought of him made me feel even more destroyed on the inside than I looked on the outside. I had killed, murdered, ripped out and crushed the heart of the only person I truly loved in my life, to ruin someone else's, he'd be disappointed. Now That I look back, it wasn't even worth it Snow is no longer my enemy. I continued to thrash at nothing, to choke on my screams in fear of someone hearing, to tear my skin with my sharp nails, to cry in pain at the agony that is my life, until I heard a knock on my door "Hey can I come in I need to talk to you about Henry"

 _Damn it always coming at the worst time aren't you Miss.Swan_ I thought to myself. I immediately tried to calm my most likely loud sobbing to utter out a sentence, a word, a sound, anything to get that woman away. Of course, me being in the shitty state I was in, became incredibly frustrated not being able to get my voice to work, just continued to silently cry hoping that the blonde woman wouldn't hear anything than turn and leave.

"Come on open up I know you're in there I can hear you doing something" _shit there goes that plan._ It took every ounce of fight I had in me to muffle out my next words. "Miss Swan I'm obviously busy come back later" I originally went for my usual sassy, regal voice, but what came out was more of a choked whine.

"Um...Regina? Are you ok?" My lungs sucked in a huge gulp of air knowing that once they let it go she would be back to her horrendously loud crying. I didn't answer, I couldn't , hot tears began to resume their decent down my cheeks, what I ,the former queen, needed so badly was to be the strong person I normally was, the kind of person people deem weak, but right now I couldn't be. It felt as if the walls were closing in around me, that all the air in the room was creeping away, I was helpless, I wished so badly that I could scream at the blonde to go home and leave me.

"Regina listen I'm coming in okay" _no no don't do that turn back! Leave go away! Gods, just go away!_ My breath began to heave, much harder than before. When I heard the door opened, I violently shook my head praying to anyone that this wasn't happening. It didn't work.

"My god Regina what happened? What's wrong?" the blonde ran to my aid faster than it took a heart to beat and wrapped me in a strong embrace. I wanted to fight, I yearned so badly to tear apart from the woman and tell her to return to where she came from, but as soon as her muscular arms fused around me I found myself leaning into her touch. "Hey it's gonna be okay, I've got you you're safe." At hearing Emma's voice I let out the cry I was holding in and my body gave, completely relying on the girl to hold her up. I felt the blondes hand stroke softly through my hair as she rubbed her spare one on my back."I've got you, it's okay, I'm here, I'm here"

We sat like this for a long time my river of tears eventually dried, and the storm that was my breath calmed, even than we didn't break apart. Emma didn't force me off her lap or to speak words I couldn't form, what she did do was continue to caress my hair until I fell asleep.

 

...

 

Emma's POV I didn't dare move, Regina was asleep and cuddled into me so tight that I felt nothing but love for this woman. I continued to thread my fingers through the mayor's hair long after she was sound asleep, I didn't want it to end this moment of pure bliss, but alas the brunette woke up groggy and with dried tears in her eyes. When I first looked at her I could see in her face that she was confused as to what happened, until a split second later when the reality of the situation hit her, she nearly fell off my lap. The former queen had so much worry and fear in her eyes, it hurt me to look at. This normally strong woman looked so incredibly vulnerable in front of me all I wanted to do was fling my arms around her and hug her until the world ended...maybe longer. I stood up and took a one small step towards her, she than proceeded to take three big steps back then tried to lose me by standing behind her desk. I wanted to laugh at how adorable she was being, she sort of reminded me of scared child. I took a step back "Hey, hey it's okay I'm not going to tell anyone Regina what happened right now stays between us, okay?" She nodded "Regina, it's okay. I know exactly what happening. You had an anxiety attack, I used to get them all the time...can you talk? I know words can be hard" she slightly shook her head than a tear escaped her eyes. I rushed behind her desk and held her as her face buried in my neck, I rubbed her back and comforted her, as I knew she needed, until she pulled back.

"While I was a child I had severe depression than when I became The Evil Queen and began to study magic the anxiety came and both just got increasingly worse over the years. The only person who knew was my father, he was the only one who could ever calm me down. When I needed him he'd be by my side, and he'd be with me even when I didn't realize I needed him."

"Gosh Regina I'm sorry"

"And now he's gone, and it's all my fault" she willingly leaned into me this time and I held her in my arms for several minutes. I lightly kissed the top of her head and then pulled back "Come on let's get you home."


	2. At The Mansion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on tumblr username:  
> timetravelingravenclaw17

 

 

Regina's POV

"Come on let's get you home" I don't know what came over me but I needed her, but I needed her touch I felt that if I didn't hold on to her she would run away. Who could blame her the once fearsome and powerful Evil Queen clinging onto someone as if her life depended on it. I wanted to laugh at the thought, but it seems as though my hand had a different idea when It reached out and grabbed hers. She looked down at it, her head came up to meet my eyes and smiled at me. I instinctively looked down, she than gave my hand a light squeeze and we walked out of the office and into her bug.

As we were on our way to the mansion her eyes stayed concentrated to the road but her hand didn't let go of mine. I didn't let go either, I know I should have but I had begun to like the idea of someone being there for me, and for the first time in awhile I realized I felt safe.

When the bug slowly slid up the driveway, I knew that it would be the end of my crazy experience and a small part of me was relieved by that, but an even bigger part didn't want it to end. I yearned for her to hold me in her arms again, to make me feel that someone in the world actually cared about me, for her to make me feel like I'm the most important thing in the world. The thought of her leaving me hurt so bad I wanted to cry again. Trying to avoid the pain, as soon as the yellow bug stopped I grabbed my purse and darted out the car and up to my front door. I expected Miss. Swan to leave as soon as I closed the car door, but she didn't, it felt like the world went still for a lifetime, the car just sat there in the driveway unmoving until I heard the jingling of keys and the shutting of a car door. I unsuccessfully tried to hide the smile that came to my lips as she strode up beside me, "did you really think you could get away from me that easily Mills?"

_Don't encourage this Regina she's going to leave you, like everyone always does, save yourself the hurt_ at the thought my face went straight,"Miss. Swan thank you for your help earlier, but I can assure you that I no longer need it, and I'm fine now. It won't happen again you can go now" she looked at me a little puzzled but didn't move. I tried to calm my hands, which were still shaking due to the aftermath of my attack, to slide the key through the keyhole. I was terribly  unsuccessful. I could feel her eyeing me as I grew more and more frustrated, she was probably laughing at how hopeless and completely weak I must look. "Damn it Miss. Swan don't just stand there!" She took a step towards me than took my hand and helped me guide it into the small opening. Our bodies were once again so close and I sighed as she dipped her head down and whispered in my ear, "looks like you still need my help" then she opened the door and grabbed my hand to pull me in.

__ "So I guess the best thing for you to do is eat and than go rest. So...food?" She began to walk to the kitchen but I remained standing where I was shoulders slumped, hands hugging my chest tight, and averted my eyes to the floor.

__ "I'm not hungry Miss. Swan" I shyly stated 'why am I letting myself feel so vulnerable in front of her?'

__ "You know my name is Emma right? And Regina you have to eat, I know you haven't eaten since breakfast and I don't want you to starve." She swirled around to look at my pathetic self and I could tell she was giving me a look of pure pity.

__ "Why do you care? Why are you helping me? I'm not a good person I deserve what's happening to me, what I don't  deserve is this" I flaunted my arms at Emma, "look at me I'm a mess, I'm not supposed to be mess, I'm the queen... The Evil Queen."

__ "Were. You were the Evil Queen. I don't care who you were in the past. I am here for you now because you do deserve to have someone always there for you more than anyone. You have an extremely huge heart whether you choose to admit it or not. Regina I will be here for you in less than a heartbeat if you need me. I'm glad you let me in, I'm glad you gave me the privilege to see this side of you, you are beautiful Regina Mills absolutely beautiful. Now let's go eat."

__ She hugged me again, I shook my head and pushed her off 'no she can't, she can't be here for me, no one can, she can't continue this, it will only bring me pain in the future once she realizes I'm not who she wants me to be'

__ "I told you Miss. Swan-"

__ "-Emma"

__ "Emma, I already told you I'm not hungry"

__ "And I already told you you have to eat"

__ I looked at her determined face with my sad agony filled one and sighed "I'm going to bed"

__ I Than ascended up the stairs unfollowed by the blonde, I entered my room, kicked off my heels, and flopped on my bed. "Get it together Regina" I ordered myself as my fingertips ineffectively tried to rub my headache away.

__ I heard footsteps then a knock on the door "Can I come in?"

__ "Miss. Swan would you listen if I said no?" She opened the door and walked in with a plate of fruit and chicken nuggets, the kind I usually made for Henry, then sat on a chair right next to my bed. "Again you can call me Emma not Miss. Swan, we're friends now. I talked to Henry and told him to spend the night at Paige's, said we were busy doing Sheriff and Mayor stuff" she paused to pluck a nugget from the dish into her mouth. " ...and I think I've already answered your question, but no I wouldn't listen...but you already knew that."

___We're friends now_   I played the sentence back in my mind again _was that what we were now?_ It had been so long since I've had one, if I've had one, the only person I've really been close to in my childhood was Daniel and I certainly didn't have any once became The Queen. I wanted to smile _did I really have a friend?_ I felt like a foolish child thinking about it. I hid my grin trying to keep a strong demeanor in front of the blonde, I couldn't let her see me so vulnerable. So I rolled my eyes at her words and put emphasis on my next ones "Miss. Swan, why are you here eating _my_ food in _my_ room? I knew you weren't the most gentlewoman in the world but even you should know that's impolite."

__ "Ouch hit me right in a soft spot didn't you? Not a gentlewoman. Well at least I'm trying, I brought some food up for you" she waved a nugget in the air with a sly smile.

__ "Miss. Swan...

__ "Emma"

__ "I'm not hungry. I won't eat that, also I'm partly offended you'd bring me Henry's nuggets and expect me to eat them, they're for kids Miss. Swan."

__ "I'm eating them"

__ "Exactly"

__ "I could try and make something but I'm pretty sure these are your safest bet for food I make-"

__ "Miss. Swan I already told you I'm not eating, I'm not telling you again."

__ "And I already told you to call me Emma and look where that's gotten us, I also said you would eat. Now take the food, I'm not leaving until you do."

__ I Laid back down and made it pretty clear I was getting comfy again. "Well it looks like you're going to be here for a while so get comfy"

__ "Regina, please"

__ "Begging now? Come on Miss. Swan I expected more from you."

__ "Well I tried to be nice, don't say I didn't warn you" and with that she shoved a bland tasting chicken nugget in my mouth. I sprang up from my position on the bed and

choked on the small bite sized food before swallowing it.

__ "What the hell?!? What did you do that for?!?"

__ "You weren't eating, so I made you... Are you going to eat your food now?"

__ "No. At this rate you're going to have to feed me, and I wouldn't advise that... I will fight." I smirked, thinking I had win this round, until she brought another nugget to my lips and held it there. I raised an eyebrow, whilst giving an evil grin mentally telling her _I told you I'd put up a fight if it came to this_  she tried to pressed the nugget to my lips but I turned my head and kept my mouth shut.

__ "Regina -urgh- open your mouth!

She continued to try and press the nugget in my mouth, and I continued to nod my head in every direction opposite of the hand. She stepped back momentarily. "Regina I swear if you don't open your mouth-"

__ I covered mine invade she decided to strike "-you'll do what? Empty threats Miss. Swan." She looked at me puzzled as if she hadn't decided what to do either, than I saw a small glimmer in her green eyes. "I'm giving you one last chance Regina, and you won't like what's going to happen next"

__ I sat up straight eyeing her down in my most regal pose and spoke with the authority of The Queen. "Do your worst"

__ She slowly crept towards me, and set the chicken on my sealed lips. "Open." My eyes continued to stare deeply at hers with such defiance. And in a flash her hand swirled to my rib cage and started tickling me, I jerked at the motion trying to keep my mouth shut but she found we way in too of me any continued to tickle me despite my fierce jerking. I couldn't hold it any longer my lips parted to laugh but were cut off by her hand pushing the nugget in my mouth. Still on top of me Emma made a point of stating that she wouldn't get off until it was down my throat. So I sighed and swallowed my defeat.

__ "Who would've known the fearsome Mayor Mills was ticklish? Now am I gonna have to do it again or will you eat?"

__ "I might eat the fruit"

__ "Might? I think the word you are looking for is 'will'."

__ "Take it or leave it Miss. Swan"

__ "Regina you may refuse to admit it but I know you, and that means I know that you are stubborn and won't eat the fruit unless I do this so open your mouth and let me help you."

__ I looked down at the bed spread, because she was right I wouldn't have. I slightly parted my mouth, waiting for the small fruit to pass through my lips, I didn't wait long before it happened. I continued to slowly chew various fruits slowly not wanting to swallow them. After another grape a strawberry and an apple slice I gave up. "Miss. Swan I'm done. I can't eat anymore."

__ "Regina you barely ate 5 pieces. You can't be serious"

__ "–if I eat anymore... if i eat anymore I'm going to throw up Miss. Swan. I'm done." the beautiful smile vanished from Emma's face as realization dawned on her.

"Regina are you okay?" I looked into her eyes trying to plead to her not to ask that question. I felt tears try to fight their way out of my eyes, at the sight she leaped to where I was at the head of the and again took me into her loving arms. I was crouched into her body, my tear streaked face pressing against her chest and our hands once again intertwined. As I cried she cooed me running her free hand through my hair soothing all my stress, fear, anxiety, depression, all the problems that keep me awake at night, she took them each away with a single stroke of her hand through my hair, even if just for a moment. I needed her, fuck what my brain said about the future, I needed her.

__ She repositioned herself and I moved along with her not wanting to detach, she started to rise out of the bed. My mind swarmed _where was she going? is she leaving me already? this can't be happening not now I need her. She can't leave._

__ "Please don't leave" my hand still clinging onto her.

__ "I need to pee Regina, if you wanna come you're more than welcome." She just than saw the look of our despair on my face.

"Regina I promise I will never leave you" she gave me a reassuring smile and let go. I waited in my bed impatiently for what seemed like hours worrying if she was lying to me earlier, she wouldn't just leave would she? I got out of my bed and walked into the hall to where the bathroom was. The lights were off.

My breath started becoming more heavy and my thoughts were filled with doubt. _She left me. she fucking left me! I trusted her! I should have never done that I let her in, let her see me be weak._ By now I was sitting in front of the bathroom door knees huddled up inside my hunched over body holding in tears that would soon come out.

__ I felt a hand on my back "Regina what are you doing?" I looked up at her with shiny eyes "you left me."

__ "Regina it's been at most 5 minutes since I got out of the room, I went pee then checked to see if snow or Henry called.  Regina I told you I would never leave you. Don't you trust me?"

__ My head found it's way back into its special spot in between my knees. "Aw Regina, come on let's get you back in bed."

__ We walked up to my room, through the master bathroom than into my closet. "Well...um...I guess you can put on your pajamas, so... I guess I'll wait in the bathroom." I nodded and she closed the door. I felt alone again which was stupid because she was just out the door, but than again she could've slid out without me knowing, no she promised she would stay there. "Miss. Swan?"

__ "Still here Regina"

__ My breath caught, was I really that predictable? I pulled off my blazer revealing scars on my arm I momentarily forgot I had, put a black t-shirt and sweatpants and opened the door. _Okay she's still here._

__ "Alright, it's way past your bedtime Missy" she said with a smile and a laugh.

__ "I would've gone to bed at an appropriate time if you had let me" I exclaimed with an eyebrow raised and a challenging tone. "True, but then you wouldn't have eaten."

__ "Exactly Miss. Swan"

__ "Come on, bed." She lifted the covers for me and I slid in.

__ "Alright then. Goodnight Regina, I'll be downstairs on the couch if you need me" my eyes grew large and I turned from my position to look at her as she started exiting the room.

__ "Wait!" My voice was tense and desperate, green eyes met mine awaiting a response from me. My eyes found the blanket as I looked down and started speaking shyly, averting my gaze from the blonde. "Uh...There's a blanket in the wardrobe over there if you want it"she nodded and grabbed a blanket then turned to leave the room. "Miss. Swan wait...I, um could you...well...stay you know with me, here?"

__ "Yeah, of course" she took off her blouse uncovering a black tank top hidden underneath, keeping her jeans on she than sank into the big chair next to my bed. A smile spread to my lips at the woman sitting next to me. A few seconds later a yawn escaped me, my eyes became heavy and began to drift.

__ My eyes were shut and my breathing started to slow consistent pace. Without thinking my mouth opened and whispered under my breath, "Thank you Emma..." And I drifted into the darkness of sleep.  

_**  
** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked it, please comment!
> 
> (p.s. i'm sorry i suck at spelling)
> 
> follow me on tumblr username:  
> timetravelingravenclaw17


	3. Nightmares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on tumblr username:  
> timetravelingravenclaw17

Regina's POV

 

I wake up in my office to Emma staring at me with a terrifying evil grin, I'm more than used to wearing. I sit up groggily and look around the room confused _was that really all a dream?_ "Miss. Swan what's going on?" I reach out for her once soothing hand, but she retracts it in a flash, not wanting me to touch her as if I had some sort of sick disease. She was disgusted with me the look on her face said it all. "Emma what's going on" it came out choked, even though I was trying hard not to react at her shocking gesture.

"Aw poor Madam Mayor, are you gonna start crying again like the weak bitch I know you are?" Her voice was taunting and malicious. Tears were making their way down my cheeks 'what happened she was so kind to me a few minutes ago?'

"Emma stop"

"How cute the freak is begging. If you wanted comfort you should've gone to Snow. Ha! You can't even do that because you failed at your only goal in life, to kill her. Sad isn't it even the sweet Snow White would laugh if she saw you now, The Broken Queen, names got a better ring and way more truth to it than your last one."

She stared into my eyes and deep in my soul, "How the hell were you the most feared woman in all the realms? You know I must've really overestimated The Enchanted Forest, ‘cause geez, look at you! You are a disgrace! You called yourself The Evil Queen but you're here crying like a baby on this couch demanding attention from no one other than me. I'll tell you what you are Regina you are just a weak, spoiled rotten, waste of space. I feel dishonored to have ever met you."

My face was the bed to a river of hot tears, I burrowed my head in my lap as I continued to sob. _I knew this would happen why are you such an idiot Regina?!?_

"Regina! You weak puny fool look at me show me how miserably weak you are!" She shook me violently. But I kept my eyes shut _this can't be happening, this can't be happening._

"Emma, please"

"Regina you worthless piece of shit look at me!" I wouldn't, I couldn't. I didn't want to look in her beautiful green eyes, it would hurt too much, I just couldn't.

...

"Regina!"

"Regina, open your eyes"

"Regina, look at me"

"Regina you have to wake up"

 My eyes were closed shut so much that it was painful. I didn't want to believe what happened, what she said, it was all too much.

"Regina it's okay it was just a bad dream, I'm here, I'm not going to leave you I promise." _no it was too real she's tricking me, she is going to hurt me just like everyone else has._

"Regina open your eyes, breathe, it's not going to be over until you open your eyes."

I shook my head "No, no" it was the only word I could say. "No!" I was screaming now unable to hold in any emotion.

"Shhhh shh shh shh, it's okay, it's okay. I've got you, I am not gonna let go. I won't ever let you go Regina."

I wasn't holding anything back  it was all too much for me to take, I shouldn't be letting her do this she hurt me, I let my hands ball into fists and let them and hit anything in their path. My thoughts filled with the words she spoke, she said the worst possible things anyone has ever said to me, what's worse is that she said them, I had trusted her I let her in and she betrayed me. "Why would you say that!?! I thought you cared about me!!!" I screamed, and yelled, and thrashed to get away from her, but she wouldn't let go.

"Regina I do care about you, more than you know. It was just a nightmare, please open your eyes. Look around your safe here, you're in your room, on top of your bed, covered in your sheets, no one can hurt you here." _No she's lying. That can't be right I'm in my office not there._

I slowly peeled my eyes open from the blackness of my misery to find myself exactly where Emma described in my room sitting in my bed now and looked into the vastness of blondes eyes.

"There we go, there are those beautiful chocolate eyes I know so well" she wiped the tears that streamed down my cheeks, and I flinched at her touch. _Could really I trust her? Was this real?_

"It's okay I'm not going to hurt you, whatever happened in your dream it wasn't real. I won't hurt you. I will never hurt you I promise." She pushed my hair back, cupped my cheek, then leaned in and lightly kissed my forehead. "I promise"

 

Emma's POV

 

"Thank you Emma..." My entire body jerked up in an instant to meet the whirlpools that are Regina's eyes, but the sight I saw was a sleeping queen. _Emma, she called me Emma_  my lips wore a ginormous cheeky grin that I knew wouldn't go away for a long time _she said my name_  I repositioned myself in the chair, and fell asleep with the smile still spread on my face.

...

I woke up around 3 in the morning to the silence of the dark room. I didn't dream, if I did it escaped my mind the second I opened my eyelids. My eyes shifted to gawk at how absolutely beautiful the woman in front of me is, I remember when I first brought Henry to the front step of the mayor’s mansion, I struggled to keep my jaw closed at how perfectly flawless the woman who opened the door was. Ever since I first saw her I just knew, I knew I was in love. My smile faded and my face grew long. I would do anything for her, I would go to the depths of hell just to hear her laugh, I love her more than I have loved anyone in my life. I would have never dreamed I could feel this much feeling towards a person. When she enters my mind in each second of every minute of everyday, I swear I feel her hand plunge into my chest and crush my heart, because in every passing moment realization pours on me like rain that she will never, ever, love me the way I love her.

My mind was brought back to reality by the rustling of sheets and whimpers coming from Regina. I quickly arose from my chair and rushed to her side. Her forehead was creased and her eyes were clamped painfully shut, her breathing became very uneven. Her breath would start to race as if it were trying to win the Olympics, but than it would stop so suddenly and become a prisoner in her lungs until it broke free and continued to rapidly heave again.

Seeing her in such immense pain physically hurt me. I tried to wake her up, but it was almost like she was determined to suffer in her dream. I grabbed her shoulders and shook her, softly at first, but then when nothing happened my hands became more aggressive.

"Regina, Regina open your eyes." Nothing.

"Regina look at me you have to wake up" she jolted up signaling to me that she was awake and could register what I was saying, but her eyes remained shut.

"Regina it's okay it was just a bad dream, I'm here, I'm not going to leave you I promise." She shook her head, I tried to bring her close to me, but was rejected. She sucked in a gulp of air and tried to hold all her emotions in it.

"Regina open your eyes, breathe, it's not going to be over until you open your eyes."

"No, no. No!" She screamed...Loud. This time I didn't give her an option, In a split second I positioned myself on her bed and pulled her on my lap and started rocking to calm her down, but she punched the air most likely aiming at me.

"Shhhh shh shh shh, it's okay, it's okay. I've got you, I am not gonna let go. I won't ever let you go Regina." My words didn't seem to have an effect on her, but that wouldn't stop me, there was no way I was going to leave her like this alone.

"Why would you say that!?! I thought you cared about me!!!" She hit my chest so hard I wanted to scream _what the hell happened in her dream?_

"Regina I do care about you, more than you know. It was just a nightmare. Please! Open your eyes. Look around your safe here, you're in your room, on top of your bed, covered in your sheets, no one can hurt you here." Her punching ceased and she slowly opened her eyes. She looked around confused for a couple of seconds until she found my eyes.

"There we go, there are those beautiful chocolate eyes I know so well" I could tell in her gaze that she still couldn't trust me, whatever happened in her dream must have been pretty bad.

"It's okay I'm not going to hurt you, whatever happened in your dream wasn't real. I won't hurt you. I will never hurt you I promise." Her face was mere inches from mine, and all I wanted to do was attach my lips to hers. I held myself back I couldn't do that not yet she was entirely vulnerable and I had no consent what so ever. So I dried her tear,  pushed her dark locks behind her ear before placing a chaste kiss on her forehead.

"I promise"

She pressed her face into my chest and I re-wrapped my arms around her and began to thread my fingers through her hair. We laid there all night, Regina fell asleep soon after without a word, while I stayed up petting her hair trying to take in every last second with her before it was over. And it would be over tomorrow, she would wake up and internally freak out with all of this while trying to keep a regal demeanor, and then she'd push me away.

...

Turns out I was right...

"Morning sleepy head" I joked at her as she entered the kitchen the next morning.

"So than yesterday really did happen than?"

"Yeah, but it's fine I won't tell anyone. I promise."

"Well than, thank you Miss. Swan but I don't think I'll be needing your services today, I feel fine you can go now" _back to Miss. Swan again, I see_  as she was spoke she "forcefully guided" me to the front door.

I let out a long sigh and shook my head "just promise me if something happens you'll call me, okay?"

"Goodbye Miss. Swan" and then she closed the door leaving me standing like a lost puppy on the porch.

...

  
I’m in my office looking at paperwork that probably will never get done thinking of what happened. It's been two weeks since I went to her office that day and since then I only saw Regina a handfull of times, each of them she looked increasingly worse than the last. We never talked about what happened that day. I wanted to give her space, but now she's had enough of it and she's suffering. She's lost weight, she's as pale as a vampire, and she has bags big enough to hold groceries under her eyes. I grabbed my keys and drove to granny's to pick up some food than to her office.

When I stepped into the lobby I called Regina to give her a heads up that I was there but not give her enough time to push me away.

The phone rang three or four times until she answered with a cough "Hello?"

"Hey Regina I'm coming up to your office to drop off some stuff"

"No, no you don't have to do that right now I'm busy come back later."

"I'm already here... Actually I'm halfway up the stairs see you in less than 10 seconds"

She sniveled "No Miss. Swan-" I hung up. _Damn it she's been crying_ I stopped on the stairs for a second and seriously debated on not going up, the second soon passed and I bolted up the stairs and completely ignored the mayor’s secretary before barging in.

What I saw made my heart sink to the floor.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment!
> 
> follow me on tumblr username:  
> timetravelingravenclaw17


	4. Two weeks later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on tumblr username:  
> Timetravelingravenclaw17

I shook my head hoping that it would erase what I saw from my memory. A long sigh drew from my mouth, and I took a deep breath "Regina..." Her face was hid in her shaking hands not daring to look at my disappointed face, the arms that held her head up had multiple crimson gashes going down from her inner fore arm to her wrists, in front of her lay a sharp silver knife drenched in blood.

"Go away." Her voice was calm, clear and demanding, which made me feel scared as fuck and more intimidated than I have ever felt in my life. "We both know for a fact that I'm incapable of doing that right now"

"Miss. Swan turn around and go back to work, I won't say it againI took a few more deep breaths, put on the most confident face I had, and set the bag of food on a table.

"Well good because I'm going to get tired of hearing you trying to make me leave after a while." Her head lifted and looked straight at mine, hers was puzzled at my defiance. I pulled up a chair and sat in front of her. "Now Regina, no stop that look at me in the eyes, Regina why haven't you called me? Each time I've seen you, you've just been looking worse and worse and now..." I gesture towards her arms. "Now this." We stayed silent for what felt like hours. "Regina I don't know what to say I really don't but this has gone to far, you hurting yourself this isn't good, I know you haven't been eating, or getting any sleep, and–"

"Why do you care?" _Because I love you more than I have loved anyone in the entirety of the world._

"Because whether or not you agree you are my friend and you mean the world to me,and I can't imagine life without you now that you're in it."

Silence. "Were you trying to kill yourself?"

She shook her head no "Thank gods, than why? Why did u do that?" I stayed quiet she would speak this time not me. A couple of minutes later she worked up nerve and spoke "because I needed to feel something... I needed to hurt as much on the outside as I did on the inside, if that makes any sense..."

I nodded my head. "Why didn't you call me? I told you Regina I will always be here for you, but there's no way of me knowing when to help if you don't ask."

"I can't...it's just, I can't it's not that easy." She let go, tears fell from her face and I moved in to hold her. "It's okay, I'm here...I'm here" I brought her to the couch and soothed her worries and anxieties the same way I did two weeks ago. Her sobs shortened after awhile, her breathing became even, and her tears began to dry.

"Regina, you have to call me, text me or just do something to get a hold of me when you get like this. It hurts me to see you suffer, if something were to happen to you, if you cut too deep, or in the wrong area I don't know what I would do."

"Emma, " she let out a long sigh "I know where not to cut, I know my limits, I'm not suicidal. Like I told you before I had a hard past...this wasn't my first time cutting, it probably won't be my last either."

She scooted back from me when I reached down to grab her hand. I bowed my head and averted my eyes for what I was going to say next, "Regina how many times have you cut yourself?" I didn't expect her to answer, in fact I was glad she didn't.

"Please, I know it's hard to just stop all together, I know life's cruel and unfair, but this isn't going to solve anything. Please Regina stop."

"I...I don't think I can" the concern in my eyes has never been greater than it was in those few seconds "Then slow down, think of me while you have the knife in your hand and feel like there's no other option but that. Think of me when you're hungry and know you should be sitting in front of a plate of food but you're not. Regina when you feel like there's no other way to solve this problem but self harm please call me."

She nodded. I made a light smile "alright then, come here you" and than I hugged her tight and we stayed there for several minutes until my stomach grumbled and I remembered food.

Regina picked up her head and glanced at me with her sarcastic glare. "Looks like someone's hungry"

"Oh right food!" I jumped up from my where i was seated almost knocking the brunette off me."Oops sorry... Anyways I brought you some too, now I wasn't one hundred percent sure what you wanted so I got you a salad, then I wasn't sure if you liked dressing so I got like ten billion of them so let's hope you like one of those."

I picked up the bag and pulled out a grilled cheese for me and set her salad on the table.

"Emma I'm not hungry"

"When are you? I came here because I was 97 percent sure you haven't eaten anything all day, i'm right aren't I?"

She remained still indicating that the answer was no. "That's what I thought, now when was the last time you ate?" Again, silence.

"Regina-"

"I'm not eati-"

"Three bites, that's all Im asking."

"And then we go back to the couch?" I tried hard to hold in the enormous smile that was about to spread on my face _she wanted me to hold her._

"Yes than we'll go back to the couch."

"Fine." She brought the plate near her and took a fork in her hand. As I inhaled my sandwich into my stomach she only stared at the lettuce in front of her. "You know in order to take three bites you have to put the food _in_ your mouth" She stabbed a couple of pieces of lettuce and a tomato, closed her eyes and shoved it into her mouth.

"Again I brought 10 billion different kinds of dressing packets for you if it makes eating any more bare able."

She brutally murdered her salad with her fork and gave me a defiant smirk, "I don't like salad dressing." I rolled my eyes and shook my head grinning, "eat" I pointed at her food, "and to think I went through all that trouble" I joked trying to make her laugh. All she did was look down and give me a weak smile. "Can we go back to the couch now?"

The plastic fork toyed with the dry salad In front of her. "Hmm... Have you taken three bites?"

"...yes"

"Liar you have one more, I've been watching." She huffed a deep breath but still didn't eat.

"Look Regina, I know you don't want to eat, but... Well I don't know what. I just, I really hope you won't ever get to the point where you starve yourself until you die. Think of Henry do it for him, he loves you, Imagine the affect on him if he saw you looking like a skeleton or if he were to see you doing this" I gestured towards her cuts. "If you weren't being super careful and did kill yourself. Regina if I can't imagine my life without you think about how much more he couldn't."

A slight nod proved to me that she would at least try to be better, she resumed prodding her fork at the leaves.

"Tell you what, 1 more bite gets puts us on the couch, 2 more takes us home... I mean to your house."

The brunette nodded but I could tell her hands refused to raise to her lips. I pulled my chair closer to her and gently grabbed the white fork from her hand and let a couple leaves of lettuce accumulate on the fork.

"Let me help" our eyes looked into each other's mine with nothing but pure love hers with emptiness.

My fingers tilted her chin up, "open" she complied and placed the fork in her mouth. She chewed on the salad for a while and eventually swallowed.

"Do you want another?" She nodded and I repeated the previous gesture. I attempted another forkful but when the utensil reached her lips she kept them sealed and shook her head. I let out a sigh and put down the plastic "Okay, well that was four at least, come on let's get out of here."

I grabbed her hands and helped her up from the chair and we left the office, and just like two weeks ago she didn't let go of my hand the whole way home.

 

...

 

Regina's POV

 

We lay on my bed in our normal position with her fingers caressing my hair, and me buried deep into her body, my fingers tightened around her shirt latching onto her so that even if she wanted to she couldn't leave. Music was playing in the background simply adding to the peace.

"Emma..."

"Hmm?" I was quiet a bit before I worked up courage to speak

"I'm such a mess"

"I know, and that's okay... you're my mess and it's my job to clean you up" I smiled than melted into her touch again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will have more of Regina's POV in the next chapter because when I finished writing I realized I did barley anything with her in it and that's just unacceptable 
> 
> Follow me on tumblr username:  
> Timetravelingravenclaw17
> 
> I will always post the newest chapter on there the minute it goes up.. Hopefully I will post every Sunday after the new episode BUT school is hard so.....yeah hope you liked it. Please comment I really appreciate them 
> 
> (Wow long note congrats if y'all actually read it all)


	5. In My Office

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on tumblr username:  
> Timetravelingravenclaw17

The door to my office opens and the nerves that seem to never want to leave calm immediately. The blonde strides in with the signature brown paper bag from Granny's, takes off her horrendous leather jacket and plops herself on to the couch. She takes the contents out and pats the cushion adjacent to her motioning for me to come, I my lips curl into a huge smile I’ll probably never get used to and find myself attached to her soft cotton shirt with my arms curling around her biceps ensuring that for now she has nowhere to go.

It's been a week since she ran through those doors and walked in on the private meeting I had reserved for my blade. Each day since she glimpsed my blood stained arms, she has strolled in with all her  _Emma Swan savior swagger_  bringing a lunch of some sorts and making my days so much easier to get passed. She kissed the top of my head bringing me back to my new peaceful reality.

"Alright Regina, I'm gonna ask you to do something for me and I don't think you're going to like it..." My body stiffened and my arms clutched onto the arm I was snuggled so safely into. "I want you to have minimum 6 bites before I leave today" My entire body jolted from the position I was into an upright one on the other side of the couch, I opened my mouth to protest before she cut me off.

"-wait no, before you say anything let me explain. You still aren't eating enough, you are not healthy, the only thing you eat any day is the four bites I make you... and as happy as I am that I'm at least making some sort of positive difference in your life it's not enough. so please, please, pleease Regina help me help you.

_Why is it that off all the people in all the realms she is the one that can make me to do this?_ I looked into her pleading eyes with so much confusion, hoping that she could see through mine and straight into my mind to answer all the questions that swarmed inside it. With a long sigh I nodded and took the fork from Emma's hand. It took a lot of time and complaining but eventually the food I was required to eat was in my stomach beginning to digest.

“Regina Mills. You. Are. Awesome. And I'm insanely proud of you right now. Congrats to your complete and utter awesomeness.”I felt my cheeks redden and I let out a small laugh.

“you're such a dork” I joked as my face nuzzled into her lap. She looked down at me and smiled then started patting my back like a mother would to her child. I should be offended by the mere thought that someone would dare belittle me, _The Evil Queen_  of all people in such a way, but it just feels so good to have someone care about me so much. In the little times we now share together, I feel like I'm the only thing that matters to her in the world, like nothing or no one could ever hurt me.

“This is true I am a dork 100%, _but_  if I wasn't a dork i’d be incredibly boring and not nearly as fun, or cuddly enough for your liking.”

I chuckled “I don't see how dorkiness can make you more cuddly Miss. Swan” I hugged her super tight to emphasize my next point, “...but I guess all that really matters right now is that you're my big teddy bear, and that's good enough for me.”

The clock on my wall dinged a few minutes later marked the end of our “meeting.” Hands ran themselves up and down my arm silently signaling for me to get up...I wouldn't budge. I wanted to stay safe in her warm arms, smell her perfect scent, feel her constant soothing heartbeat, she wasn't allowed to leave, I wouldn't let her.

“Come on Regina, sadly we're grown ups who have to get back to work, we have to get up.”

“No we don't I'm the mayor, and your boss, this can be your sick day.”

“As much as I'd love that idea I already used them all and-”

“Emma you're stating here, that's a final order from your superior.”

Her yellow hair falls to her shoulders as she shakes her head and sighs, “Regina we have to get back to work, the town will fall into pieces if we don't”

“-than let it fall.”

“You know I can't do that” she takes a long pause “okay I'll make you a deal-”

“-very Mr. Gold of you.”

“Ha. Ha. Ha. Very funny. Do you want to hear it or not.” I stayed quiet for a few moments as she continued stroking my hair.“Fire away Miss. Swan.”

“I know you know my name you've used it before, and okay so here's the deal, if you go back to doing whatever it is that Madame Mayors do, and you let me go back to doing what us sheriffs do I'll come over for dinner tonight and “accidentally” stay a little too long so that I'll have no choice but to stay the night. Sound good?”

“It sounds perfect… Except for the part where you have to leave me right now.”

“Has anyone ever told you that you are absolutely adorable.”I'd shoot her the daggers that some people confuse as my eyes, if it weren't for the fact that she was,well her.

“If someone did they didn't live to tell the tale, I think you forget sometimes Miss. Swan that I am The Evil Queen.” I'm staring deep into her eyes now only a few inches from her face.

“Hmm, from what I remember you _were_ The Evil Queen, past tense. And with that-” she get up from the couch and kneels down never breaking eye contact, she takes both my hands “Regina, I actually don't know your middle name, Mills you are one of the most adorable humans I have ever laid eyes on.”

I tried and succeeded into using my scary evil queen voice “I could kill you for that if I wanted to for saying that”

The side of her lips curled into a faint smile. "You could, but you won't because you're already looking forward to tonight.”

Her lips were brought up to my forehead for a brief second before she grabbed her jacket and walked to the door. “I'll be there around sixish see you later

_Gina”Gina? What the hell?"_ I blush took me from my thoughts  _she even has a nickname for me_ I let out a big sigh, the rest of today was going to be long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment! hope y'all liked it! All that stuff, this chapter was mostly fluff because I feel like the next chapter is going to be pretty awesome and I couldn't stop thinking about it as I wrote this one so stay in tune with it, follow me on tumblr my username is   
> Timetravelingravenclaw17 I always update there the minute I update here.


	6. A Lonely Dinner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know I said I'm not 100% sure of when I'm gonna post, but I also think I said I post on Sundays (lol HP reference not intended.) if you were expecting it yesterday...sorry you had to wait. If u don't really care when I post that's cool too. 
> 
> ANYWAYS enjoy the chapter, please comment!
> 
> Follow me on tumblr username:  
> Timetravelingravenclaw17

Regina POV

The hours which followed after dragged, every minute I found myself staring at the clock dangling on the wall dreaming time would pass faster. The skinny red hand continued to spin around the circle at a sluggish pace. Little to none of the paperwork I was supposed to do today had gotten done, so I left work early to get ingredients for Emma and Henry's dinner. I decided I'd make Henry's favorite, lasagna.

4:00  I arrive home and check my phone for the time   _okay two hours she'll be here in two hours._

4:23  The bus stops in front of the street and Henry walks through the door

“Hey mom”

“Hey honey how was your day?”

“Good. Yours?”

I smiled remembering how she held me so close to her I could hear her heart beating.  “It was fine.”

He slides his back on the kitchen table and takes a seat while I start mixing ingredients “What are you making?”

“Your favorite”

“Lasagna?” You could hear hope in his voice.

“ Yes dear. Actually Miss. Swan is coming ov-”

“REALLY! That's awesome! She never comes over unless like the towns has amnesia or something.”

5:13.   _For_ _ty seven minutes...I can wait forty seven minutes_

__

5:15   _Nope, nope, nope, I CANNOT WAIT_  I slam spoon I was holding in the sink, and threw the pan of food in the oven before I went upstairs to get ready.

5:36   _WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO WEAR?!?!_ I poofed off yet another outfit I didn't deem worthy for my dinner with the blonde _urgh I've been doing this for hours! why can't I find a fucking dress to wear?_  I glance at the clock in my closet _FUCK are you serious it's only been twenty flipping minutes?!?_

5:56   I'm dressed in a simple black dress that I'd say is fancy enough to impress but casual all the same. I'm pacing in my living room glancing at the door every two seconds hoping to see the hideous yellow bug roll up on my drive way.

6:00   My eyes are glued to the glass which makes up my window _it's 6 o'clock where the hell is she?_

6:09   _Sixish she said sixish...sixish doesn't necessarily mean six o'clock exactly right?_

6:23   _Sixish is definitely not this late this is more like six thirtyish where is she?_

“Hey mom when's Emma getting here? I'm starting to get hungry.”

“I don't know dear she said around six but she hasn't come yet”

“Ok tell me if she says anything”

“Will do”

6:48   I come down from my room into the kitchen with my eyes still pink and puffy, and start to serve Henry, he shouldn't have to wait any longer.

7:14  my phone buzzes

**Regina I am soooo sorry please don't hate me I swear I wanted to come, I still do but I guess everyone decided to get arrested tonight I won't be able to come I am so unbelievably sorry I promise I will make it up to you**

_**It's fine.**_ I pressed send, ran to my bathroom and got into the shower to muffle my cries. The loud sob I had been holding in all night came out, and I know it shouldn't have but I felt my world tear apart.

_She stood me up. Except she didn't stand me up because it wasn't like it was a date or anything...right? It was just dinner._

_I mean it's not like I have a crush on her or anything_  I looked up from the crouched position I sat in, as realization dawned on me, _holy crap I have a crush on her_  was the only sensible thought that escaped my mind as billions of other thoughts played through my head. The thought of her warm body pressed against mine, how our fingers felt like such a perfect fit when they intertwined with mine, how in every passing moment I'm not with her I yearn for her presence.

 _Fuck this way more than a measly crush, i'm in lo_ \- I stopped mid thought and shook my head frantically _no absolutely not, I can't be, this is just my mind playing games I can't be feel this way for her. I have Robin he's my true love, think said so, she used magic it had to be him, not Emma_. _It can't be Emma she, she's annoying and has to be right all the time, yeah that's it, and her hands urgh they're just too...soft and perfect like her smile_. My heart fluttered that the picture of how her thin lips would curl until they'd begin to part and reveal the white tips of her teeth. How if I was lucky her beautiful smile would transform into angelic laughter, her head would tilt back, and her eyes would close, the top layer of her teeth would shine as the most beautiful sound that I have ever heard produced from her mouth. _Shit._ This cannot be happening, she probably doesn't even think of me that way, she's probably not even gay. I snorted and gifted myself with a smile at the thought, _who am I kidding the gaydar would explode if it came within a 10 mile radius of her._

7:31 I finished washing myself than slumped back down to let the now cold water cascade down my back, the previous smirk on my face had long disappeared.w _hy would she even bother to think that way about me? I'm a wreck, a complete mess there's no way it could ever happen_ I turned off the shower, dried up, and put on some pajama pants. My eyes turned to the medicine cabinet, and I hesitated as I opened it and reached for the sharp scissors that awaited me, closing my eyes and turning my head away I snatched the silver from their special place at the top shelf and moved to sit on the ledge of the tub.

The sharp blades shook in sync with my hand and all I could do was stare. My back slouched over my ready arm which eagerly awaited the sweet painful kiss of the blade.

On the inside of my head laid a never ending battlefield where a never ending war took place. Each warrior screeched in pain, every knight wailed in agony, every soldier bellowed in their total loss. I stared into my reflection in the clear blade that rested in my hands, the only thing I could think to do was plead to myself. To pray to the never ending cries that lay in the depths of my mind to make me stop, hot tears streamed down my cheeks as the scissors edged their way closer to my inner arm.

Shiny silver touched my soft skin, with every passing moment I revealed in how glorious the pain felt. I pressed deeper and deeper into the pale skin torturing myself. My head tilted back and my eyelids fluttered shut, small flashbacks of the pain I've endured in all my years zoomed through the blackness of my eyelids in a flash. As fast the visions came they left, and after came a peace, even if only for a few moments. My mind blanked, all the depressing and anxious thoughts floated from my head and there was nothing except a calm serenity. The moments soon passed and the blade that pressed deeply into my skin swiped opening a gash which oozed more and more blood as time the slowness of time passed on. Then it repeated id press until I could feel nothing but the joy of the pain then swipe. Neat horizontal lines littered up from my wrists to my elbow pit on my left arm. I switched the blade from my right hand to my left and painted the opposite arm in the beautiful crimson color that was defined as my blood. The world flew away into oblivion for the next few minutes, nothing mattered I didn't think about work, the town, Gold, Mother, Father, The Evil Queen or Emma. A sigh of relief escaped my lips when I finally carved the last stroke. I felt dazed, high even, I was entirely drunk on the torture I caused myself. I grabbed the alcohol from under the sink and cleaned the wounds, then through on soft long sleeve pajamas I store away for nights exactly like this. With my head still completely clear, I hobbled into bed and fell asleep.

That night I should’ve had no dream, no nightmare to force me into vulnerability, that night I was supposed to be absolute bliss, that’s how it was normally was when I cut, that’s a main reason as to why I do it. But that night I dreamed, I wouldn't call it a nightmare because when I slept it felt like perfect I felt happy, the dream didn't hurt until I woke up. I dreamed that me and Emma had a life together but not just any old life, a perfect one. I'd wake up snuggled into her arms, she was my big spoon. In the mornings I would ease myself out and cook breakfast for the family, _Family_ the thought of me her and Henry being a family came with such ease, it made sense. Henry would than venture off to school and me and Emma would go to work. Mid day the blonde would come through my door as she does every day and we'd eat our lunch the same way we've done the past few days she would kiss me goodbye, _god those lips would kiss me_ and she would leave and we’d go back to work. I'd come home first and I'd cook, the food would be ready for when she got home. The three of us would eat together than retire to our room. _Our room_ the thought felt so good I just had to repeat it. I'd fall asleep with her arms curled tight around me, she would protect me and I felt safe, so safe that I'd go into a perfect sleep and awake every morning to repeat my perfect life.

But the dream ended and I woke feeling cold, no strong arms found their way onto my side, and tears escaped my eyes as I longed for the gentle touch that i knew wouldn't come.

...

 

**The next day**

Emma's POV

_FuckfuckfuckfuckFUCK!_ The station isn't any less busy from the previous night and I'm so close to shredding every last bit of and throwing it in the air like confetti. There's absolutely no way I can get through this enormous stack before the day is through unless I work nonstop, _geez I won't even be able to eat lunch_ I let out a sad joking scoffish noise to ease the burden before it hit me. _HOLY SHIT I WON'T BE ABLE TO EAT LUNCH!!! Oh fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck.  I can't fucking stand her up again not after last night's dat- dinner, it was just a dinner. Shit she's going to hate me, she's going to think I don't like her or that I'm using her I'm so fucking screwed. Gods I hope she doesn't try to cut...no she wouldn't -but would she? No she wouldn't she's been doing so good she will be fine._

Pulling my phone out and unlocking the screen I analysed her text from the previous night

“ ** _It's fine_**.” It's not fine she's pissed, she's pissed at me. People only put periods at the end of texts if they're mad, a person would only leave a text that short and to the point if there angry, and after these passed few weeks I've learned that Regina will always answer a lie to save someone she cares about from any form of pain. _Fuuuuuuck! I should've just left work last night. I should have passed the load to David, let him handle it, and gone to Regina's. No ‘cause then he would ask questions and i'd have a blazing orange fire ball aimed at my head if Regina found out._ My hands are shaking as I go to call her because honestly I'm scared to tell eat I can't be there, I told her, I promised her I would always be. I don't want to lose her trust, I love her, and it hurts me to think that she's letting go the grasp we held so tightly yesterday.

I pressed the little blue phone on the side of Regina's contact, nerves flooded my body as the phone rang.

“Miss. Swan.” she spoke her work voice calm, confident, fake.

“Hey Regina... How are you?”

“I'm fine.” _There it is again, how the hell am I going to tell her?_ There was a pause I couldn't speak it was as if someone found the volume button to my voice and turned it all the way down.

“Miss. Swan if that was all you were going to ask it could've waited an hour for when you get here, I too can be flooded with work too.”   _Aw shit._

“Regina I am so sorry I… works still flooded and-”

“You're canceling on me...again. You know what Miss. Swan I trusted you I put all of my faith into the fact that you would be here for me and I may be overreacting but you're not here. You have stood me up twice, and I will not let it happen again.”

“-Regina I'm over loaded I won't be out till at least ten please understand I don't want to hurt you I'd never want to hurt you I promise please forgive me” I could’ve sworn I was being choked by the way my voice sounded.

“Miss. Swan-”

“Emma, please let me be Emma again.” The tears welled up in my eyes spilled.

 

Regina POV

Tears poured like rain from her face. _Why am I doing this I want her to be Emma again, I NEED her to be Emma again, I'm overreacting putting up another wall that I sincerely hope she can break down. But I can't she's just trying to manipulate me bring me up to the highest height, have me feel so alive just to push me down._

“Goodbye Miss. Swan”

“-NO! Regina you know what, fuck work I'm coming right now I'm just being stupid.”

All emotion took over _I will not be weak for anyone anymore._ The queen took over. “EMMA SWAN I SWEAR TO THE GODS IF I EVER SEE YOU AGAIN YOU'LL HAVE WISHED YOU ATE THAT TURN OVER WHEN YOU HAD THE CHANCE!”

“Regina please don't do this calm down breathe-”

“YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BREATHE? DO YOU THINK I'M SO WEAK I CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITHOUT THE SAVIOR'S HELP?”

“I didn't say that Regina.” she gave a shaked sigh through the phone.

“Nothing I'm going to say or do right now is going to fix what I did is it?” Words lost the ability to form in my mouth.

“That's what I was afraid of, Regina I know it may not seem like it right now but I _do_ care about you I didn't want to stay at the station last night, far from it. All night I was dreaming of eating with you and Henry, laughing over stupid jokes that Henry found on the internet, drinking wine after he went upstairs that falling asleep with you in my arms. I do want to be there with you now and I will if you would let me go. Regina I-” she stopped herself, I was too baffled to say anything, I waited for her to continue.

“Regina I- Regina mills I love you and there's absolutely nothing in the world you can do to make me love you any less.”

I wish I could take my previous statement to the blonde back because in that moment I forgot how to breathe. My mind did that thing again where it swirled with a million thoughts, the most common one echoing through the walls of my brain _tell her, tell her you love her too, tell her you love her, love! love! love!_

“Goodbye Miss. Swan” the line clicked off, my knees pulled to my chest and my head trapped it's way inside and I cried, I cried for me for my insolent past for how idiotic still am in the present. I cried for Daniel, I cried for my father, I cried for every poor souls blood that stains my hands, but mostly I cried for her for Emma _My Emma._

I poofed my collection extensive of blades emma confiscated from me a few days ago and cut the feelings soon became too much every cell in my body became anxious and my arms began to ache anticipating what would inevitably happen next. The ache passed soon enough, when the pain cut through me and made my blood flood to the top overflowing my arms with vast a red sea.

**  
Six minutes later**

My secretary informed me that a bag of granny’s was delivered and that shed leave it by the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it, Pleeaaase comment those are always appreciated
> 
> Follow me on tumblr username:  
> Timetravelingravenclaw17


	7. A Very Gross Robin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah sorry for the late update holidays came and this took so long to write 
> 
> Follow me on tumblr username:  
> Timetravelingravenclaw17

Emma POV

I pick up my phone to see if she’s texted, called, done anything to get in contact with me, nothing. Seeing no new messages from the not-so-evil queen, I check the time, it's been exactly 4 weeks 3 days and 2 hours since Regina banned me from her life.  _She'll be fine, she'll be fine_ I keep trying to reassure myself that she wouldn't do anything stupid, but I can't shake this itchy feeling that she's suffering.

Not 30 seconds later I grab my phone and opened it and again finding disappointment, I know somewhere in my mind that there’s no possible way she would've texted me. Mainly because I would've heard it, three days after I messed up, I changed my ringer to the loudest most annoying thing my old iphone had to offer and set it to the highest volume to ensure it would catch my attention if Regina called. Truth be told it's giving me a huge headache, my phone is used to being permanently on vibrate, but this is Regina she's worth it...she's worth anything.

I put my phone down as Ruby plopped a brown back in front of my face. “Still no luck with her I'm guessing?” My face grew even longer than it already was.

“yeah..that noticeable huh? I opened my phone again as she spoke.

“Bro anyone could tell you can't stop checking your phone for a blank screen” I looked up redness slowly creeping through my cheeks.

“Sorry” I sighed placing my phone down “it's just it's been over 4 weeks and she told me not to call her or make any contact whatsoever and I'm like super worried and-”

“Why are you so worried I mean she's not going to kill herself because you don't eat lunch with her” she laughed not realizing the weight her words had on the situation. “Another thing, you had work and had to skip dinner, I don't get why she's acting the way she is” she snatched one of the fries on the plate that previously held my burger, “I mean it's not like you too were dating or anything” my face turned redder than a fire truck at the thought of my sad crush towards the mayor.

Ruby looked up and took a double take at my face before eyes grew wide and her smile went wolffish with recognition. “Holy shit Swan did you land the mayor?” I choked on my soda.

“What shit no!”

“Liar” “I'm not lying.”

“You were totally together and you stood her up so she crushed your heart...no pun intended”

“Ruby I'm not lying. We are not or have not ever been a thing... I wish we were though” _crap did I just say that last part out loud?_  

“I knew it!”

“Shit I did say that out loud” my head buried in my arms against the counter.

“Yes! Yes you certainly did!” She shook my arms forcing me to look up.

“Aw you too are going to be so cute together,” she leaned up against me looking dramatically in the distance making a picturesque hand gesture. “I mean who would have thought The Savior and The Evil Queen? That stuff only happens in books or very cheesy tv shows.”

I laughed “Nah tv writers wouldn't be smart enough to do it with lesbians no matter what the fans would say”

“True” I gulped down what was left of my soda, sighed then grabbed the paper bag. “Well I gotta go be a delivery girl since she refuses to eat with me”

“You still take her lunch? Ugh you two are so cute I ship it” I laugh as I walk out the door “Goodbye Ruby.”

The door begins to close behind me before I hear, ”Don't make me wait for it to become canon!”

 

…

 

I stop in front of the secretary's desk and she gives me that face, that sad pitying face that tells me exactly what I don't want to hear. “So what is her excuse today? Let me see… Is she in a meeting? On the phone? Did I _just_ miss her?”

“I'm sorry Miss. Swan”

“It's fine,” I rub the back of my neck subconsciously wishing that it could ease all of my problems away “it's not your fault.” I set the bag on her desk and turn to leave.

“You know she doesn't eat it. It just sits there all day until I either throw it out at the end of the day or eat it myself”

“Yeah I figured... well at least you can make a meal out of it” she offers me a weak smile as she plays with her pen.

“Can I borrow a small sheet of paper?” The secretary scrambles through her desk me before handing me a big pink sticky note and asking, “this good?”

“Perfect” I take a black ballpoint pen out of my pocket, write a note, and stick it on the front of the bag. I keep holding the top of the bag, contemplating whether or not I should just walk through the doors and give it to her, I unclench my hand give the lady an obviously fake smile and walk the other direction.

I slam the door to my bug and tears stream down my cheeks why _won't she call me?!?_ This was hell, absolute hell. The person I loved most in the world (excluding Henry) is denying my existence and only hurting herself in the process. _This is all my fucking fault! I shouldn't have told her I love her… Gods how could I have been so fucking stupid?she will never love me._

My shoulders shook violently and I wanted to scream so bad. But I have to be strong not just for Regina, but for the town too they need me I can't look weak in front of them. I wipe my tears, sit up straight and start the car.

 _Time swan give her time you can't push anything on her,_  and I drove back to the station.

 

Regina POV

I glance at the clock again _that's weird she's usually here by now_  I run what I imagine her schedule would be today through my head. _She begins her break at twelve it takes less than 5 minutes to get to granny's. granny should also take no more than 5 minutes to give Emma her orders and then it should take a little less then ten minutes to be here and attempt to come into my office (assuming she's walking, other wise I could cut that time in half.) So she should have arrived here between 12:10 and 12:20._  I glance at the clock 12:34. I cross my arms over my chest and look down at my phone _maybe I should just call her._

My thumb absentmindedly brushed the hard black scabs that terrorized the once soft skin on my arms, the pad of my finger pressed a little too hard taking me out of the staring contest with my phone. I looked down at all the scabs placed perfectly on my arm.

These past few weeks have been painful, a few days ago I took out my knife and readied myself for what I knew was to come when I realized, I had run out of space.

 _Both arms filled with dark brown gashes from the inside of my wrist all the way up to my inner forearms, they then skipped up to coat the top of my triceps._ Damn it!  _I threw the knife on my bed spread. Getting back into the position I'm too accustomed to being in, I slumped on the headboard and allowed today's tears to finally flow out._ I need to stop. I need to fucking stop. _Even with my arms showcasing a bloody horror movie I couldn't get myself to stop. I poofed the knife from the other side of my bed, and lifted my shirt. The blade guided itself to the lower left side of my stomach and pressed until small blood bubbles forced their way out of my skin, I slowly dragged the sharp metal a few inches across my side. I hissed at the pain, as the crimson red liquid flooded over the previous drops of blood and pooled to the very top. My shoulders slumped relaxing in the wonderful pain of it all before I fell asleep._

Mumbling from out the door drew me from my daydream. _Emma_ I didn't bother listening to her and the secretary's conversation today, all I needed to sooth me for right now was the knowledge of her presence.

I closed my eyes and leaned back in my chair a faint smile spread on my face my body finally taking a well needed break for today. The talking ceased, and I heard footsteps fade away. I sighed, walked to the door to retrieve my lunch, then walked to the window.

I watched as the blonde stomped out of the building and into her car. Just like I've done for over a month, I would look out at her car and waited until it drove off into the distance. Today was different the car stayed still for at least 5 minutes after she got in it. _What is she doing? Why doesn't she just leave?_  As if reading my thoughts the yellow excuse for a car lit up and drove off to the station.

I fell back into my chair and stared at the brown bag deciding whether or not I feel like eating today. That's when I notice a bright pink little sticky note masked with Emma's handwriting, I quickly ripped off the rectangle from the bag and read...

_I kinda suck at notes so I'll make this simple...I'm so sorry for what I did I promise I didn't mean to hurt you. I would NEVER mean to hurt you. Gina I have a pretty strong feeling that you're still not eating and I don't want to be the reason your unhealthy so...4 bites._

I scoffed at the note, crumpled it, and disposed of it in the trash can under my desk. Y _ou don't tell me what to do Miss. Swan._

  

...

 

**1:24 am (Mayoral Mansion)**

I wake sweaty and terrified from yet another nightmare. In my dream the inevitable zombie apocalypse was taking place and I was stuck in an empty room, alone, with no magic to save me. The zombie grew closer and closer I could see the dried blood caked on her face, the swarm of bugs flying in and out of her ratty hair, I could smell the stench of death polluting my nose. With each step she took I found myself more and more unable to move, her cold bony hands clutched my arm and pulled it to her opened rotting mouth and bit ripping my skin apart. The scream that erupted from my lips carried on as I darted up from my bed, leaving me where I am now, wide awake, failing to control my breath and having absolutely no desire to lay back down and dream of that again.

**_Knock knock knock knock_ **

I look to my door wondering if my imagination made something else up to be mean. _That's weird. No one's supposed to come over today._ I gather myself up and start heading down stairs towards the door. **_BANG BANG BANG_** _what the hell_ out of habit I conjure a fireball. When I reach the door I look through the glass _oh it's him._ I wave away the flame away and open the door. "Robin."

"Eeeyyyy R'gina!" He gives two sloppy kisses to the sides of my checks, the disgusting scratch of his unkempt beard trails across my face as he stumbles back _great he's completely wasted._

"What do you want Robin? And why did you come here, and drunk at that matter? Henry is asleep upstairs and...Robin where's Roland?"

"Sssssssshhhhhhhsssshhh! Be quiet I'm a little bit tipsy" he tried to keep his buzzed laugh in his mouth until he lost if and fell back on the couch. _How are you supposed to be my true love?_

I gave him the “you're in trouble” look I would've given Henry when he was four years old and wouldn't pick up his toys. He noticed my death stare and straightened up as much as he could before he lost balance and fell to the floor, he continued to laugh while his face was buried into the carpet not noticing the anger building up in me.

"Robin what the hell are you doing here? And where is Roland? I swear if you left him alone-" He clumsily stood up trying to show he was the least bit sober

"Jesus Regina, no wonder they called you The Evil Queen, you need to learn how to have fun." The thief dragged himself close enough that his alcohol and sweat filled stench consumed my nose forcing me to step back. That only aggravated him into coming so close my body hugged the wall while his body pressed against mine.

"Roland's fine he's with Tiny tonight," His hands trailed down from my arms lower and lower until he reached the curve below my hips, his alcohol infested lips brushed my ear as he whispered, "which means we get the whole night to ourselves."

He squeezed.

I flinched and my eyes went wide at the repulsive touch. His lips pushed me down and captured mine in the worst kiss I've ever had the misfortune to be in be in, His tongue forced it's way passed my lips and through my teeth, I tasted his spit as it seeped into my mouth gagging was my first reflex but his tongue jammed into my throat not letting the action take place. I wanted to escape but I couldn't, I was frozen, every bone in my body screamed for me to move but I stood crushed against the wall. His hands shifted to my breasts and tears streamed out of my eyes _this can't be happening_ he pulled back for air and I fell to the ground sobbing, choking, and gasping for air.

"Why so sad love? Might as well get used to it now, we are true loves after all" his rough hands clutched my hair and yanked me up to meet him in another kiss. I wanted to scream, to run, to get away.

_Is this what true love should feel like? An act you play for other people into thinking love is magical, while in reality you're stuck yearning for something entirely fictional?_

"Get the hell up I'm not going to wait for you all damn night" He yanks my hair most likely pulling out of my scalp and bringing me closer to his face.

"N-no" Shaking my head trying to escape another drunken kiss, I move my arms from my sides and push him away. In a flash his hands latch to my wrists and bring them above my head restricting my ability to move and pressed his left forearm on top keeping me there.

 ** _SLAP_**  

Whatever was left of his spit in my mouth flew out. "Listen here woman! When I tell you to do something you're going to fucking do it you understand? So when I say _''get up''_ you and you're pretty little lips are gonna get up and kiss me" he drops his arms and slaps again knocking me back down to the ground.

"GET UP!" Holding my cheek I slowly get up and lean against the wall braving myself for what's to come. "Please" the words come out as a whisper as he tugs my arms and pulls me in for another kiss.

My mind desperate in wanting to leave the situation drifts off to the blonde. How her gentle hands used to caress me and make me feel so at home. _She is what I yearn for in my hell. She is my something fictional._ And then it hit me the simple thought of her lit up my brain like a Christmas tree, _what the hell am I doing I'm the fucking Evil Queen! I fucking have magic!_ I kneed the bastard in his erect unmentionables, sending him stumbling back towards the door.

"Fucking hell! What the fuck do you think you're doing?!" I re-conjured the fireball in my hand.

"Get you and your wasted ass out of my house!"

Listening to his dick he replied, "Sweetheart, put that light out so we can head upstairs and have a bit of fun, okay?"

"How thick are you? Did you not just hear what I said? Get the hell out of my house" I magicked the door open and sent a fireball hurling at his jacket.

When he found his way out I eventually extinguished the flame, slammed the door closed, ran up the stairs, through my room, and into my closet. I sat down leaning on the door, attempting to rock myself but succeeded in only swinging myself causing more pain and frustration. My nails dug into balled fists that were determined to keep my hands from shaking. As blood drew from my palms, my teeth began chattering from the cold feeling that accompanied all my problems. _Warm, I need to get warm._ I pulled a blanket from a shelf near me and dragged my hands up and down my arms.

What felt like hours passed and I felt no different. _Damn it Regina you need to fucking get better_ my head shook _. I can't it just needs to pass all I need to do is wait this out I'll be fine-ish in a few minutes._

No longer than 15 seconds passed before I felt like I was going to freeze again. _Warm what's warm?_  I questioned myself as I pulled the blanket tighter around me hoping it would help. _Emma! Emma's warm, I should call her._

I reached for my phone and went to her contact before I stopped myself. _No! what am I doing? I'm mad at her, she lied she's a liar she left me and doesn't love me. She's a liar and I'm mad at her._  I played with the phone in my hands.

 _Why do I even give a shit my emotions hate me either way._ I pressed call but hung it up before it had the chance to ring.  _I shouldn't wake her up she's probably sleeping. She has better things to worry about than me_. I set the phone down and started rocking myself again.

 _She did say she's always be here for me though..._ I picked up the phone and pressed call before I could change my mind. The line didn't even finish it's first ring.

"Regina?" I burst into tears not letting a sensible word come through my mouth. Her voice just felt so good to hear so warm in my ears I needed more.

"Regina where are you? Are you hurt?"

"I -I'm sor- i-it's just...I-"

"Hey it's okay listen to me, you don't have to apologies it's not your fault. It's okay, I don't need to know what happened right now, all I know is that you need me and I need to be right there with you. Where you are so I can do exactly that?”

My crying became so much louder. _She doesn't hate me._ I started controlling my breath. "You're doing so great Regina keep breathing just please tell me where you are. Are you at your house? The vault? Your office?"

I look around me and take in a deep breath concentrating on my mouth and how words have to form. "Closet. I-I'm in my-" I inhaled a huge gulp of air and shuddered out a breath "my closet."

"Okay i'll be there in less than 10 minutes...Regina don't...don't cut or do anything harmful to yourself. I promise you I'm coming." She said it again I'm not sure if she was reassuring me or herself “I'm coming.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it, please comment!
> 
> Follow me on tumblr username:  
> Timetravelingravenclaw17


	8. "its okay, i'm here..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah sorry for the late update I've been busy with school and trying to write a different fic... the time management didn't go that well on that one so sorry to make you late. I hope it was worth it enjoy.

 

Emma POV

_**1:24 (Emma's room)** _

 

I lay awake staring at the ceiling thinking to myself that if I'm lucky i’ll get at least two hours of sleep tonight and actually be functional tomorrow. I roll over to my side hoping that the different position will help me fall asleep. I lay there for wide eyed now staring at the tree outside my window. It reminded me of how when I first came to Storybrooke I tried making a bold statement to the mayor and chopped off a limb of her tree. She was furious, but damn she was hot when she was mad. I small smile spread on my lip and I'm brought back to reality. I figured that this shift change isn't working so instead I shift over onto my back again and kick off the covers and let the cool air of the fan hit me.

I reach over to my nightstand and push the home button on my iphone,

_**1:36** _

_Ugh why can't time just go faster?_ I get up and walk downstairs into the kitchen. My fingers wrap around the refrigerator door and open it I peer inside then close it. _I need to go grocery shopping._ I go to the sink and dip my mouth under the running water. I don't feel like going upstairs so I just lay down on the couch _uuuuuuugggghhhh why can't I just fall asleep?_

Minutes pass and each one feels longer than an eternity. I roll off the couch and drag myself back upstairs and fall into my bed. I grab my phone and do the normal routine I've adapted per these past few weeks with my phone.

_**1:52** _

I sigh and as I go to set the phone on the table it buzzes in my hand like I just whacked a bees nest and blazes a the super loud ringtone I set for the brunette. Not a second passes as I swipe the phone and answer it trying not to sound too excited.

"Regina?" I hear the woman I love more then anything immediately burst into tears at the sound of my voice. It tore my heart apart to hear her cry so hard. As quickly as I humanly could I responded. "Regina where are you? Are you hurt?"  
  
"I -I'm sor- i-it's just...I-"  
  
"Hey it's okay listen to me, you don't have to apologies it's not your fault. It's okay, I don't need to know what happened right now, all I know is that you need me and I need to be right there with you. Where you are so I can do exactly that?”  
  
Her crying got a lot louder. "You're doing so great Regina keep breathing just please tell me where you are. Are you at your house? The vault? Your office?"  
  
"Closet. I-I'm in my-” she took in a deep breath "my closet."  
  
"Okay i'll be there in less than 10 minutes...Regina don't...don't cut or do anything harmful to yourself. I promise you I'm coming." I say it again to myself not really believing that I actually get to see her again

“I'm coming.”

…

I'm glad that I'm the sheriff of this town because my foot was equivalent to lead on my gas pedal as I drove to the mayor's house. The old yellow bug screeched to a stop and I ran faster than I ever believed I could to the front door. I went to ring the doorbell when I realized that, one Henry was asleep and could not ever see his mother this way, and two Regina was in no place to get up and answer the door. I slowly pressed down on the doorknob glad to find it unlocked and walked in quietly.

I brought my phone out and turned on the flashlight because with my luck i’d bump into something expensive and start a loud chain reaction that would wake all of Storybrooke. I found my ways to the stairs with no accidents and made my way to the queens room.

“Regina?” I whispered attempting to hear if she got out of her closet, as suspected she heard no noise and made her way into the master bathroom and heard muffled cries coming from behind a white door.

“Regina?” I knocked on the door to signal I was there. “Regina sweetie, open the door.”

I got no reply with a sigh I turned the knob. “I'm coming in, okay?” The door pulled open and with her back to me I saw the brunette rocking herself back and forth with her head tucked tightly in her arms.

I jolted in and shut the door behind me. My arms wrapped around her and she melted into my touch, just as easily as she did what feels like so long ago. “Shh shh shh it's okay, it's okay I'm here.” Her cries were worse than I had ever heard before, what I thought used to be a loud sob was replaced with an highly amplified scream. I tilted her head further so her face buried in my neck, the screams  slightly muffled. Relief passed through me remembering a couple of weeks ago, when I came over and she had sound proofed her room in the same fear I have now, fear that our son would wake up and hear her.

I brushed my fingers through her silky hair, the rocking motion she previously possessed, absent mindedly transferred onto me. “You're safe Regina nothing's going to hurt you now. I've got you, and I promise I'm not letting you go.”

Minutes passed and the blood curtailing screams slowly turned into a tamed cry. “I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Emma. I shouldn't have-”

“It's okay it doesn't matter now, just calm down.”

“I'm so sorry please forgi-”

“Shshshshh I told you love, it's okay, you didn't do anything wrong.”

“But I-”

“-Didn't do anything wrong. You don't need to apologize for anything.” The sobs had disappeared and were replaced with sniffles and an occasional cough. “Regina all you have to do right now is relax. Come here, close your eyes and rest your head on me.” The smaller woman obeyed and shuffled in closer.

“Good, now take deep breaths everything is going to be fine.” I felt her chest slowly rise then fall. Feeling her breathing becoming more consistent, I began to draw small circles on her back. I rested my head on top of hers treasuring these quiet moments in fear that I would never have them again.

...

Time passed, exactly how much I don't know, or really care to know. The woman nuzzled into my body’s breath was soon slow and even, her eyes remained closed. “Regina” I whispered and got no response.  _Aw she's asleep...she fell asleep in my arms._ The simple thought gave me a smile bright enough to light the night.

Carefully trying not to wake the sleeping beauty, I lifted her up and took her to her bed. I placed her in the already ruffled covers and pulled the comforter over her body. For no more than a couple of seconds I just gawked in awe of how beautiful she looked, so innocent, all it wanted to make me do was hug her and kiss her and never let her go. I glanced at her lips and gave myself a weak smile, an attempt to disguise the pain of never being able to kiss the beautiful pink lips. I brought her hair back and settled for her forehead, as I've done many times before, and lifted myself from the slight dip I made in her bed. Trying to make as little noise as possible I moved to the door until I was immediately stopped by the rustling of blankets and the sleep filled voice of the goddess. “M-ma, Where're you going?”

“I'm going home, I'm pretty sure you won't want me here when you wake up, go back to sleep my beautiful queen.” I let my hand trail her cheek as I said the last words.

She shook her head. “No, please stay here.”

I nodded my head and went to sit in the chair beside her bed. “Can you sleep with me?”

Her voice dripped with sleep and I wasn't quite sure if it was my imagination that made her day what I thought she said or how tired I realized I was getting. So I just say in the chair and didn't reply.

“Emma?”

“Yes my love?”

“Can you… Could you hold me again?”

 _So it wasn't my imagination._ “Yes of course”

I got up from the chair and by the time I was by her bed she had opened the covers to me. I slowly got in and wrapped an arm around her torso, the brunette shifted in closer and I could feel the new found warmth radiating off her and into me.

“Goodnight Regina… I love you.”

“I love you too.”

My face lit up in the dark room, my heart skipped a beat, but by the time I could say anything else the girl in my arms had already fallen asleep. I brought her in closer, my eyelids grew heavy and I started to nod off until a peaceful sleep took over me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> having a little trouble writing the next chapter idk when the next update will be
> 
> Hope you liked it, please comment!
> 
> Follow me on tumblr username:  
> Timetravelingravenclaw17


	9. Breakfast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update i had trouble writing this one idk why but its finished now enjoy!

Regina POV

The sunlight slowly streamed through the blinds as I peeled each eye open. Still groggy I bring my hands up to rub my most likely red eyes. _Ouch! What the hell?_ I touch my cheek again, pressing down and wincing in pain. _When did that happen?_ My face sunk in realization. _And that's why I was crying last night this time. That idiot came over and- Ugh I don't want to think about it._

I move to get out of the covers to inspect my face but when I move I'm held down by a strong arm. A small smile takes over my lips; I had forgotten she was here. I shift to lie on my other side and watch the beautiful blonde slowly wake up.

“Hey. Good morning beautiful.”

My response was to cuddle deeper into her hoping the simple act would take the bad memories away. “Morning.”

“I know I don't usually ask you ‘cause you hate the question, but it's been weeks… Are you okay?” I hid my face in the blondes shoulder avoiding her question. “Regina, please… What happened last night that made you call me?”

“What am I not allowed to just call you when I'm sad anymore? I never had to tell you my reason before what's different now?” I moved to sit against the headboard stared into the beautiful green eyes I've missed so much.

She sighed. “Nothing, you don't have to tell me anymore. I only want to know if you are willing to tell.” There was a pause for a few seconds before she spoke again. “I was just worried about you. You hadn't so much as looked at me for over four weeks and I figured something really bad must've happened in order for you get over what I did and call me.”

I felt a little bit guilty, secluding me from her wasn't entirely her fault, I was being stubborn and didn't want to give in and break first. ‘How can she still care for me after I practically dumped her after she said she loved me?’ At the thought I maneuvered from her seated position back into being Emma's little spoon. _Emma loves me… Loved now probably there's no way she could still love me. She did say it last night though, but it was just a goodnight thing. A goodnight ‘I love you’ that you say to anyone before they go to bed right…?_ I couldn't stop the words from slipping out. “Emma do you still love me?”

“More than the air itself.” There wasn't the slightest hesitation in her voice when she answered. I was glad my back was to her because it would've been impossible to hide the blush creeping up my face.

“Why?”

“Why what? Why do I love you?” I nodded my head so slightly I was surprised she noticed it. “Because you're beautiful and not just on the outside, which even if you don't believe it anymore is a given. You have the most beautiful personality I have ever seen and an amazingly huge heart. Your smile, which I take pride in keeping it on your face, is heavily contagious, when I see your amazing smile my lips can't help but grin from ear to ear. You're beautiful chocolate brown eyes are filled with so much wonder and love. I fucking adore you and anybody who thinks otherwise can go to hell because you are the coolest sweetest most awesomest person I have ever had the pleasure to meet. Regina what I’m telling you now is barely a fraction of how much I love you. If words could describe how much I love you they would have to make a whole new dictionary and even that wouldn't do you credit.”

Throughout the whole confession my eyes wouldn't dare to meet hers. I couldn't believe what she said. No one not even Daniel had said something like that to me. A couple of tears dripped down my eyes as her words replayed over and over in my mind _I love you, I love you, I love you, love, love, love._

For the first few moments of silence I had been too speechless to speak, then for the few that followed I had no idea what to say. Sure I could've answered I love you back, because I absolutely did, but it just didn't seem like those words meant enough. So I didn't say it.

“Last night, before I called you Robin came over.” If I had been paying closer attention I would have noticed her bodies stiffen against mine. “He came banging at the door… I, Well I had just woken up from another nightmare….” My voice shrunk smaller with each word. The woman wrapped around me drew me in closer knowing that I needed the comfort. I took a deep breath and started again. “He came banging on the door and Henry was asleep so I went to answer it and he was drunk. He was so drunk Emma and I... I didn't know what to do so I let him in and ugh I was weak! I was so weak... I am weak.”

“Regina-” I was pulled from my previous position and was now trying to fight my tears into her tank top.

“Emma he was screaming and yelling...he hit me, and touched me and got damn close to raping me. I was so scared. I didn’t want it to happen to me again, not after Leopold-” She placed gentle kisses on the top of my head as tear spilled down my face. _God that feels so good. Why did I let her leave me for that long?_

“What made him stop?” You could hear the anger rising in her voice. _Is she mad at me?_ _What am I saying of course she’s mad at me; everybody’s always mad at me. Damn it I should’ve been stronger. What’s wrong with me!?!_

“You’re mad at me.” The voice that came out of my mouth was so little so vulnerable. I haven’t heard that voice come from me since before I was a queen. “I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t have been so weak. I need to be stronger. I’m sorry Emma. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for him to do that. I’m so sorry.”

She grabbed my shoulders and forced me to meet her eyes. “Regina you did absolutely nothing wrong. That was not your fault, it was that drunk douche bags. I am not, and will never, and have never been mad at you.”

“But you were mad at me this last month. You didn’t call me or text me or-“

“’Gina I was mad at myself, I was never mad at you. And as for not contacting you, you said to never do that again or you would put me under a sleeping curse… In all honesty I knew it was a dry threat. You would never hurt me, I hope. I was giving you time to call me.” I looked down. _So then it is my fault._

“No. I know what you’re thinking so stop blaming yourself. I’m here now and that’s all that matters. We can’t go back and change it…okay?” I nodded my head, not truly believing her because so far in my life everything has been my fault.

“MOOOOM!!!”

And just like that reality came back to us. “Shit that’s Henry. Just knock on the door and make up something okay?”

"Wait wha-"

...

Emma POV

“Wait wha-“ Before I could finish the word the famous purple smoke clouded around me until it disappeared and I found myself once more in front of the Mills mansion. Following The Queens last request I knocked on the door.

“Ma?”

“Hey kid can I come in?”

“Yeah sure…what are you doing here?”

“Me and your mom gotta do sheriff and mayor stuff …where is your mom?

“Shes still asleep; which is weird because she usually wakes up waaaay before me?” Emma nods her head knowing exactly why she’s up so early

“So what’s sheriff and mayor stuff?”

 _Crap._ “Oh you know me signing a few things, her signing a few things, her telling me a few things I’ve “forgotten” to do.” I made hand quotes with my fingers around the word “forgotten,” making him laugh.

“Ah Miss. Swan, why may I ask are you here so early?”

“I came to sign those papers you were telling me about a while back.” _Please catch on. Please catch on._

“Right, yes they're in my office I’ll get them after breakfast.” _Sweet she caught on. Metaphorical sweat is off my brow._ The brunette strolled into her kitchen, pulled various ingredients from the refrigerator, pantry, and cabinets then started cooking. “Emma, could you come over here and cut these strawberries for me?”

I nodded my head and went to where she had pulled out a small knife and cutting board. “Thank you Emma.”

I smiled and started cutting. “You're welcome, It's nothing.”

“I’m not talking about the strawberries.” Even though I wasn't looking at her I could feel her stop cooking and stare at me.

“Neither was I.”

I continued slicing and the woman next to me went back to cooking. When the strawberries were all chopped up I stayed at the counter watching in astonishment watching how graceful her movements looked as she cooked. She was absolutely beautiful.

 _Ask her out._ The action would be so simple. So easy. Then again it would be so easy for her to turn me down and ruin everything again. I sighed hoping it would help with me to gain courage. _Now or never…_

“Hey… um Regina?”

“Hmm?

Sweat infested the palm of my hands. “I was uh… I was wondering if you wanted to go out, you know with me.” The graceful woman stopped in her tracks.

“Like a date?”

“Well no not like a date more like a... uh… well, um... yeah, a date.” my mind swam faster than Michael Phelps. _Oh fuck. I just ruined everything. Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck. I’m gonna just go and die in a whole now… Goodbye world._

“Yes I would.”

“That's fine; you know what just forget I said anything. I don't wanna ruin what we got going- Wait what?” _Did she just say yes!?!_

“Yes I’ll go on a date with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dont know when i'll update again lets hope its soon
> 
> Hope you liked it! please comment!
> 
> Follow me on tumblr username:  
> Timetravelingravenclaw17


	10. The Date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah took super long... sorry. I thought I'd update since we are in swanqueen week so here ya go hope you like it.
> 
> Special thanks to shadowsinthedark for giving a comment that had me feeling bad for not updating in months

Emma's POV 

 

I doubt my smile was able to come of my face as the little family that me, Regina, and our son formed ate at the table. I kept stealing glances at the woman I still couldn't believe actually said yes to a date with me, I'd look at her graceful hands or her beautiful dark brown hair, or her intoxicating red lips and then she'd realize I was staring and id quickly look down at my plate and remember I was supposed to be eating. After a few more bites Henry broke the silence “Moms are you two okay?”

“I'm good.”

“Perfect, how ‘bout you kid?” The kid had that confused look on his face that meant trouble for me later.

“I'm fine.”

Small talk was made every so often until Regina excused me and herself to go to her office. 

The door to her office closed there was an awkward silence that filled the room as neither of us knew what to say or do now. “Um… I really do you need you to sign papers though.” So I nodded and sat down in a chair by her desk as she fished through a drawer for what I had guessed to be the papers I was meant to sign. 

A folder was placed in front of me and I grabbed a pen from my pocket and started working on the task at hand. After Agee more minutes of awkward silence I spoke up. “So do you have any idea of where you wanna go? You know for our uh date?”

She shook her head and sat down in her chair. “I thought you would figure that out.” 

“Heh you see well I do I was just wondering if you had any special place in mind so that um yeah…”

The brunette raised an eyebrow and smirked. “Yes of course that makes complete sense. But I guess I don't really have a place in mind so we'll go with what you had planned. Which was what exactly?”  _ Shit. _

“Uh...wouldn't wanna ruin the surprise now would we?” 

 

***

 

As soon as I closed the door to my car I feel my phone start to buzz. “Henry?”

“Spill.”  _ Shit.  _

“If I remember correctly I finished my coffee and didn't spill it so what are you talking about kid?”

“Why were you and mom acting all weird? And before you say ‘we weren't acting weird kid’ yes you were I'm 12 not blind.”  _ Shiiiiiiiiiiiit! _

“I have no idea why your mother was acting weird in your opinion, I thought she seemed normal… But I guess I just had a good night's sleep last night and it made my mood better this morning. Maybe the same for your mom?”  _ Please buy it, please buy it, please buy-  _

_ “ _ I'm not buying it.”  _ Damn it kid. _

_ “ _ Seriously kid? We weren't acting weird!”

“Why are you sounding defensive then?”

“I'M NOT DEFENSIVE!!!” I could practically see the smug grin plastered on his face. I ran my fingers through my hair before calmly repeating myself. “I'm not defensive.” 

“Suuuurrrrrre…”

“Kid-” 

“Fine, if you don't answer me I guess I'll just ask mom and use my the perfect child charm she can't ever lie to.”  _ Damn you kid. I hate how perceptive you are, of course you'd know ‘Gina can't say no to you.  _ I huffed. 

“Kid, you are going to be the death of me.” I brought my free hand to rub the headache I feel coming on. 

“Spill.” 

“You're mother and I have a date.” Silence. 

“Is that why Robin came banging and buzzed last night?” 

“Shit kid you heard that?”

“Most of it, my rooms upstairs and everything they were saying was all muffled but I heard him yelling and then mom sent a fireball on him to leave and I'm not sure what happened after that she went to her room.”

“Crap. Um… Well no that's not why he came over I don't really know why he did I guess he was just drunk. Are you okay?”

“I'm fine happens all the time… But we're not talking about that. My mom. You. Date. When did this happen? From what I gathered she's been pissed at you for a while.” 

“Heh yeeaaaah I messed up a while back she had reason to be pissed but um…” _ How do I explain this without being stupid? _ “I guess she got over it when I came over to sign that stuff so I asked her out and she said yes… Do you have an idea for what I should do on the date so I don't completely mess up and re-ruin stuff?”

“Uuuuhhhh… Oh! She’ll never admit it but she's like a hopeless romantic so be cliche as fuck.” 

“Language.”

“Also be a gentleman-woman and if you wanna kiss her, ask.” 

I nodded taking in the information. “Alright got it, and Henry?”

“Don't tell your mom you knew about Robin she’d freak.” 

“Yeah I kinda figured with you two always trying to protect me and stuff.”

I smiled. “Alright see you later kid thanks for the advise on your mom.” 

“No problem I've shipped you guys for awhile now.”

“Wait wha-”

“Love you later.” And the line clicked off signaling the end of our conversation. 

 

***

 

The bell ringed as I walked into granny's and sat down at a booth silently trying to figure out what the hell i'm gonna do for this date. In the stress of the moment I barely realized Ruby sliding hot chocolate in front of me and slipping into the seat across from me. 

“You seem happier than usual.”

“I talked to Regina today..” This made the wolf's face light up. 

“...aaaannnndddd?????” I let the question hang in the air torturing her for a few seconds.

“And we have a date.”

“FUCK YEAH!!! It's about fricking time dude!!!”

“What do I do for our date? Cause like there's nowhere good to eat other than here,” I motioned to the diner around me “but here doesn't seem like a good enough date for Regina and I'm just stressing out over this.”

Ruby had that wolfish grin smiling all over her face. “You're too adorable. Do you know that? ‘Cause you are.”

“What do I do?” She rolled her eyes at me before she began.

“So here's what you're gonna do…”

 

***

 

A few hours later I found myself at the doorstep of the mansion bringing my hand up to knock on the roof then bringing it down again when I realized that I was not ready for this then repeating the process 4 more times until I realized how stupid I must've looked and knocked on the door. I anxiously waited for the door to open rocking back and forth on the souls of my feet until the door decided to open. 

“Hey.” I smiled, trying hard not to let my jaw drop at the perfection standing in front of me.

“Hello.” We stood at the door awkwardly, probably looking like teenagers about to go on their very first date. “You ready.” 

Her angelic voice took me out of my trance. “Huh? Oh! Wait... right! Yeah I'm ready let's go”

 

***

 

I spread the blanket on the grass and put the basket of food on top of it in case the wind starts to pick up and decides to blow the blanket everywhere. I flop on the ground and motion for her to sit next to me.

“A picnic date Miss. Swan?” 

“I...is that okay? I mean there's like no other restaurant in this town other than granny's and I figured a date there would be lame so… I don't know. This was a bad idea wasn't it? I'm sorry I just wanted everything to be perfect an-”

“Emma, it's fine. It is perfect I was just teasing because it looks like it came out of a cheesy romance movie.” 

“You may find it hard to believe but that doesn't help.” Now sitting next to me she took my hand and squeezed it making me smile.

“It's a compliment dear, I find this all rather cute… Thank you.” 

“You're welcome.” 

I started taking all the food I had made in preparation for the date out of the basket and putting it in front of us. “So the foods not gonna be anywhere near the perfection that your food is, but I kinda spent awhile trying to decipher what a thousand different cookbooks were telling me to do today. So if you don't like it feel free to lie to my face and spit it out while I'm not looking.” 

This earned me a laugh from the brunette and I mentally applauded my joke. “I'm sure it tastes fine Emma.” 

I hand Regina her plate once I finish placing the food on it and take in her reaction as she eats my food… she gags before taking the water bottle next to her and gulping down half the bottle. “...it tastes… well it has a taste.” I fall on my back completely embarrassed covering my eyes not letting myself look at her. 

“I put some of Snow’s leftover mac and cheese in the basket ‘cause I had a feeling I'd fuck up.” I said pointing to the basket with the hand not covering my face.

The woman beside me chuckled and found the bin.  _ Gods that laugh is gonna kill me one day…  _ “You're perfectly fine dear, I'm glad you put forth the effort.” 

“Awe well thanks for attempting to make me feel better for basically feeding you poison on our first date.” 

A minute or so passes before an awkward silence fills the air. Regina takes the wine bottle out of the basket and pours herself a drink before breaking the tension. “I guess we already know everything that people discuss on a first date about each other so what do we do for first date stuff?”

“Well I wouldn't say we know  _ everything _ about each other”

“I take it back we've passed the fifth date stage I know your parents, your kid, all about your past lovers, I know your criminal record the list goes on Miss. Swan.”

“Emma thats my name please wear it out, and criminal record is fifth date stuff... wow good to know.” 

“For you it should be first date I mean a pirate, a evil monkey, a criminal but you knew that one seeing as you were a criminal with him.” She had a smug grin plastered on her face.

“Ha-ha very funny.” 

There was a comfortable silence between us for a little under a minute before the woman in front of me began to speak “I bet you don't know my favorite color.”

“What?”

“You want something to talk about that's first date worthy so what's my favorite color?”

I change my position and stare intensely at her making a small scene that makes her let out a small laugh, it was beautiful. My first instinct tells me to say red but then I think,  _ no that's too easy, it's probably some weird color that I can't pronounce right like periwinkle… I could just say blue? It's probably blue everyone likes blue, then again she's not just ‘everyone.’  _ I sigh before I give my answer. “Blue?” 

“Nope.” 

“Damn. Is it at least one of your favorite colors?”

“I only have one favorite color. Guess again.”

“Pink?” 

“Ew. Gross, no.” 

“No need to hate on pink, purple?”

“I do like purple but it's not my favorite.”

“Orange? Yellow? Green?” 

“Are you going to go through the whole rainbow?”

“I think I have…”

“Red.” 

I over dramatically freaked out because it was actually red.  _ Damn it brain!  _ “Are you serious!?! That's was I was going say first but I decided not to because I thought the question would be to easy!” The stunning woman in front of me just sipped her wine with a smug grin on her face. I slumped in my chair. “What's my favorite color then?” It took her less the two seconds to answer. 

“Yellow.”

“What?! How do you know that? I mean I guess the bug is a give away but I could've been something else.”

“You told me when we were being chased by that monster in your death trap of a car. You said you liked yellow so you stole the car.”

My smile went soft and my heart did that tingly thing it does whenever she does something adorable. “You remember that?” 

She gave a small nod and my smile grew larger. 

 

***

 

I pulled up into her driveway and parked the car. As Regina was getting her stuff I got out and ran around the car to open her door. “My lady...” I say holding my hand out for her to take as I bowing dramatically. 

She shakes her head and smiles as she grabs my hand. “Please, I'm a queen.” 

I laugh and stuck my tongue out at her as we walk to her front door. I scratch the back of my neck trying to gain the courage to do what I'm about to do next. “Hey… Um Regina?”

“Yes, Emma?” I lost myself in her eyes almost forgetting what I was gonna say.

“Could I… May I… Um…”

Her face is inches apart from mine and the hand not intertwined with mine is rubbing small patterns up my bicep.

“Can I kiss you?” 

The brunette answered by closing in the space between us. If somebody told me that this moment isn't what true loves kiss feels like I'm pretty sure Id laugh in their face because I have never felt happier or more full of love then I have kissing Regina's plump lips. 

She pulled back with a smile I have never seen on her face and she wiped the tears from her eyes before laying another chaste kiss on my lip.

“Thank you Emma for everything.”

And then she went back into her mansion and left me standing on her porch eyes still fluttering taking in the best kiss of my life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was too lazy to check grammar and spelling so if y'all see anything tell me or ignore it I'm pretty sure y'all will get the point...
> 
> As always follow me on tumblr username:  
> timetravelingravenclaw17

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on tumblr username:  
> timetravelingravenclaw17
> 
> i dont know how often i'll update... hopefully every week who knows :/ 
> 
> Please comment!!!


End file.
